but it's hard. yes, we are Christians. yes, we believe in Christ & only Christ. yes, we believe what God says.
He will never leave us, nor forsake us.
He is faithful to those who love him.
He doesn't allow pain without something new being born.
my soul has been continually soothed by those verses this weekend.
but there are times when doubt creeps in.
why me God? I love you, I seek you daily (although I fail often), I'm faithful to you. I believe in you. I did everything right. I took my prenatal vitamins, no heavy lifting, little caffeine, no alcohol, etc. so why is this happening?
then the anger comes.
why can sixteen year olds who have nothing to offer an infant carry them to full term? why can people with 3-4 kids already who don't even want them continue to have more? why can mothers on welfare who don't even know their baby daddy continue to have more at my expense? why do those who don't know you, don't love you, seem to have babies with no problem? why God? It's not fair!
but then I realize that's more than anger creeping into my heart. it's also sin. God has a plan for all of those lives. He has one for my life too, it's just different. I shouldn't harbor hatred & resentment towards those mothers. that's hating & resenting God's plan. which is hating & resenting God.
so, I'm trying to immerse myself in His word & trust him wholly. even though sometimes it seems very hard, nearly impossible. also, i'm so thankful to be surrounded by family & friends who love me. coworkers who love me. neighbors, church family, facebook friends. every text, every call, every tweet, every verse sent my way reminds me of God's love.
in short, hartmann is truly our miracle. despite every setback, every obstacle, every dashed dream. by the grace of God, he is here & he's healthy & he's such a source of joy. pure joy that boy brings.
we are not giving up. we want another child, we want hartmann to have a sibling. we don't know what that will mean or look like. we know it may be different than what we'd originally planned. my heart is beginning to come to terms with the idea that i may not be able to carry another child. even if the doctor says there's no reason we can't try again, we may choose not to go down that road again. if for nothing else but the sake of my emotional well-being. this miscarriage has been much physically harder & emotionally scarring than the others. so, we know another child may not be brought to the earth through us. it might mean adoption. it might mean pregnancy. we don't know. & for someone who needs to know what's going to happen & when, that's a little scary.
but we know we have options. we know God is not saying "NO", at least not yet. above all else we know
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.